February 15, 2015

Believe me, when I finally take the last step out from UMK, I will not look back, not even a swift glance.

I will not think of how I will miss "those days".
"Those faces".
"Those memories".

Because of everything that had happened to me these past few years, has made me very bitter towards my own life. I don't deserve a good life. I don't deserve a true friend. I don't deserve a good grade. And definitely don't deserve to be a good vet.

A mere semester away from being separated from my SO. The only human who cares about me truthfully, the only human who has been there for me all these while. A few more months. and I will be left hanging to tend to myself without any other friend who gives a shit about me.

Oh believe me, if anything happen to me, nobody; I repeat, NOBODY will even notice it.

I'm sorry other-people-who-know-me-but-do-not-consider-themselves-as-my-friends. I'm sorry I don't have a car to bring you around. I'm sorry I don't have money to buy you presents just because. I'm sorry I'm no fun to be around. I'm sorry I can't crack jokes. I'm sorry I can't give meaningful advice. I'm sorry I'm no religious. I'm sorry I'm not a high-achiever. I'm sorry I'm not capable of helping you. I'm sorry for being such a loser..

But this loser had to endure this miserable life through 5 difficult years. With her family and her home so far away. Without someone to call "bestfriend". Yes, this loser is very very grateful for having her SO. But he's not in the same surrounding as me. I can't complain about a difficult test question with him. I can't.. nah. Can't really describe it to you eh.? You don't even care.

You have beautiful memories about your university life. You get sad every time you think about leaving this place, leaving all these wonderful people you call "besties".

I'm jealous of you. Because I can't stop thinking about leaving here for good. And just forget about everything, because nothing matters anymore. Heck, I even think about giving up every now and then. The only thing that stopped me is the fear of regret, because I don't want to disappoint myself.

So please. The next time you wanna make fun of me, laugh at my mistakes, talk badly about me, or even stabbing my back; just please, think about what I've been through. Because if somebody else who don't have any faith were to be in my shoes, they would've committed suicide. Be glad that I have my faith. But that doesn't mean I deserve to be treated the way I am now..

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